Little Passions vs. Life Purpose

Recently I met with a group of women who were keen to find their "Life Purpose". That's a big thing to find. And I'm not entirely convinced that each of us has one, or wants to know what it actually IS. But  that's for another blog entry.

What these women had in common was a list of things that they wanted to DO. Like one always wanted to be an Opera Singer. She also liked to design costumes and thought that maybe she could have been a Costume Designer were it not for the fact that she's now 63. Party Planner was something that she'd always wanted to do but hadn't. She was despondent that she could never be that person who is Opera Singer, Costume Designer or Party Planner. Really? Never?


"What if you had an Opera themed party, invited your friends to perform their favourite aria, or whatever, and you had to come in costume? You could help friends who needed help in designing their costume, you could plan a wonderful party, and as host your could give yourself a couple of songs to perform."

She looked at me with stunned silence. It had not occurred to her that she could BE the very person she could "never" be. She just needed to scale back on the expectation. Often, it's that image of Over-the-Top PERFECTION that stops us from just enjoying the thing we want to do or be. 

Whole hearted living means that we can do and be that which we desire. The only thing that stands in the way is ourselves and how we view the scale of a thing. Genghis Khan didn't start out saying, "I'm going to rule the East." He started out with, "I'm going to avenge the stealing of my mother," then "I'm going to get back my wife who was stolen." and along the way, he became a fierce warrior.

I wanted to be a photographer. Fashion photos at first because that was the world I designed and modeled in and I LOVED fashion. So I shot some portfolios for fellow models and got that bug out of my system. I didn't need to be  a published professional photographer. I just wanted the thrill of capturing light, line, texture, form, movement, mood and colour in a shot. Composing. I kept the scale of the activity in check.

Last summer I got the idea that I should start a new business designing prayer flags. I'd done a few flags for a gift for a friend, and I spent the better part of 2 days scoping out the business plan/model for such an enterprise. I was two steps away from jumping in my car to head to the US for a gift show to scope out a rep. Then I thought, "But that is not my life's purpose. It's my passion, my pleasure, my hobby, my fun, my Joy but not my purpose. It's just for fun." I can explore the form without having to build a business around it. I kept the scale in check. It's a form of focusing.

So when you are dreaming about what's next, what now or what's your purpose, get clear about how you can have your Joys and Passions without having to make them into a big hairy deal of life's purpose -- unless you want to, unless you NEED to. The only person who says "it must be so" is you. So be careful the directions you give yourself. Just Start is a good direction. Stack your passions is another idea. So, like that 63 year old, Do Costumer Designer, do Opera Singer, do Party Planner, and do them all at once. Stack your passions. Just Start.

Vulnerability & Safety

Parents yearn for children to be safe. Safe in a world where uncertainty hides under every bed and evil crouches behind each and every closet door. We teach our kids how to manage volumes of information, how to embrace diversity, how to extend empathy and compassion to others. But we equip our children little to fight the invisible monster that is the truest threat--their own thoughts. The incessant bombardment of  thoughts in our heads which measure us as lacking or adequate, weak or powerful, broken or brilliant attack us or fortify us. It is our thoughts which rule us and our place in the world more certainly than any learning we might aquire.

I have been working on the Maverick Project, assembling the stories of people who have crafted original lives for themselves, because I believed that they could be talismans of what is possible for those just starting to carve their trail through the forest of possibilities. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe mavericks' tales don't illuminate the way through darkness, but rather obfuscate the truth. 

Our kids are most vulnerable when they leave school "ready" to take on the world. In fact, each of us is most vulnerable when one foot is in the old world, and one in the new. Transitions are where we need to watch that the flying monkeys of doubt don't come and smother our babies in the night. Our thoughts can give us wings or paralyze us. Our thoughts can be seeds or graves.

Julian Barnes photo by Luke MacGregor/Reuters

On CBC's  Writers & Company (at @43:05min),  Man Booker Prize winner, Julian Barnes, recalled his time at Oxford, "There is a vulnerability at that age when you go out into life for the first time, when you leave behind the institutions where rules and companionship and everything protect you...I remember when I was a student, there was always one or two students a year who would kill themselves and it always came as a surprise. And yet,  it shouldn't have done."

Our kids walk a slackline strung between worlds. Have they hope, confidence and helpful self talk as their companions? Or have they doubt, rampant fear, and self blame or loathing? We are all "students" transitioning through different stages. We've never been exactly "here" before with this set of experiences, skills, knowledge and awareness What do we believe to be true? What ruts have our thoughts worn into the road ahead? I have to be constantly vigilant that my thoughts are creative and buoyant, focused on possibility finding rather than doubting and sinking. As they say, "Think you can or think you can't and either way you'll be right". We each need to teach and model possibility thinking. How do you do that?

Expectation formula

Recently while attending Interactive Screen at the Banff Centre, a guest artist said something off the cuff during discussion which really stuck with me. He said that they joy, the happiness that we can experience from anything is deeply influenced by our expectations. He gave a formula

Joy experienced = what actually happens / how much joy you expect to derive

So, if you are expecting the experience will be really great, your experience of it will be reduced.

I can see how this works in many occasions. If you don't want to go to a fundraiser or that person's dinner party because you think it will be terrible, it's never as terrible as you think and you have more fun than you expect.

If you wish to go to something because you really really want to, it has to be pretty incredible to live up to your expectations.

I was discussing with a friend today how this formula operates in favour of arranged marriages vs love marriages. If you think that your husband/wife is going to be just ok, or maybe even terrible, and they show you little by little over time that life will be better than you'd expected, you move more towards Joy. If, on the other hand, you have married someone out of great love and passion, but every small incompatibility erases a bit of the picture of perfection, then you are moving away from Joy.

We were talking about this re: the Western need to have work which is on purpose. So many friends are searching for their mission, their purpose, their reason for being/working. Those who were born with a clear dream or purpose, who have not actualized on it, are miserable. Depressed. Those who were born without a dream or purpose, feel like failures for not finding it. Every moment is experienced through absence rather than presence of Best Self. The expectation is that finding your purpose, and working towards it is what brings joy. But if we look at the formula, working towards your purpose would have to be pretty amazing for it to bring joy.

There IS a factor of the formula in which effort mitigates the reductive capacity of expectation. Or maybe more accurately, risk. There's something about the unknown that neutralizes expectation. I'm not sure exactly how that works into the equation. It's just a hunch that it does. Unknowing is an antidote to expectation. So maybe we need to practice the art of unknowing the precise outcome we are expecting?

Bouge!

Some friends are at the stage that they are wondering, "What now? What's next?" A couple have been fretting on this for a long time but only looking under the odd rock to see if their life purpose could be hiding there.

As my dad once told me, "You'll never figure out what you want to do sitting in that chair. You've got to get out and try things, see what you love and hate, and go from there." Or as the French say, “Bouge Toi!”

As a fashion editor shared when I showed up with a modeling book, a design portfolio, a photography portfolio, and an illustration book hoping she'd help me choose my path, "I won't tell you which to pick, but I can tell you to choose one. Do it till it's not fun anymore, then pick the next thing." She went on, "I'm 35. I've already had 5 careers and hope to have 5 more before I stop." Great advice. I'm doing NONE of those things now--although I've explored them all.

In the same way, it's hard to extend your self knowledge if you are looking each day at the same artifacts of who you are. Get off the chair, get curious, go try something new. Get into motion. You never know what you'll find. Like Doon Wilkins says, "Get stumbling." Expecting to KNOW FOR CERTAIN before exploring, is unrealistic.

Infamous Sun Tzu says, if you don't know yourself, it doesn't matter if you know the terrain and the opponent, you'll lose every time. In this "battle" for purpose for your life, you must know your Self. See him/her through different lenses by thinking AND doing.

Don't wait until you can find "The Perfect Thing". Get in motion toward Some Thing. That way your muscles will be strong and ready to spring when you see the Next Thing. Along the way, you may just find some clues pointing towards Your Thing.