Sing Your Song of Self

In July, 3 years ago, I almost died by suffocating. Since, I've been afraid to live.
But bit by bit, remarkable people float into my life and sing alive some part of my smothered self.

Recently, I felt my heart return and open. I hadn't know it was closed or hidden away elsewhere. I thought it was protected, yes, but I hadn't felt it's absence. Classic case of you don't miss what you don't miss. Except I did feel a hole.

What helped? A hakomi session with the amazing Jaci Hull and the company of a remarkable lover. He is one of those few good men who just by how he is in the world calls forth my deepest and most naked self;-)

Now that I can feel everything again, I'm less inclined to be so democratic in my friendships. I still want to "see Jesus in everyone" as Sister Benedetta used to say. But until I know how to stay loving and open without taking in emotional radiation, I will be surrounding myself with people who are generous, good, balanced, creative and kind. Generosity is a value I prize more and more in my relationships. Without generosity, so much is absent--like safety.


It's like when you are recovering from being really sick and your immune system has been assaulted, you don't hang around people with flu and colds. Generosity is a natural immune booster. 

Courage and Tenderness

I just noticed that my last two blogs have to do with courage. We have Irshad Manji's "Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the recognition that some things are more important than fear," and we have Dr. Brene Brown's "Courage is the ability to tell the whole story of who you are with your whole heart." 

One of the things that is more important than fear is telling the true story of yourself. To tell who you are with your whole heart everyday and in every action.

Something I am learning to do more and more is to not control others' reaction by controlling what I tell them in order to make them feel or think anything. I'm starting to really value the opposite of "making" someone do or feel. The opposite seems to be about exhibiting, yielding and surrendering to tenderness. I'm mindfully cultivating more tenderness with myself and others, and mindfully grateful to receive another's tenderness with me.


In these months since Michael and I have split, I have received such uncommon tenderness from new and old friends (and yes, a lover) that I know to my core the power of such a gift. Tenderness unlocks my fear, shame, anger, guilt, pride, and has released me to be free to receive, create, feel, and share joy, love, gratitude, grace, peace and the innermost corners of myself. There is nothing to do in the face of tenderness than to surrender to it. Yield to tenderness. Be tender with another. That's good medicine.

TEDx Women

I found a blog post at AmazingWomenRock.com today bemoaning the fact that there are so few women presenters at TED and TEDx events. This, despite the fact that some of the best talks EVER are by women like neuroscientist, Jill Bolte Taylor's recounting of her stroke, or Aimee Mullin's idea that dis-abled has evolved to mean extra-abled or supra-abled, or Eva Vertes new take on medicine and memes in cancer.

The blog author is encouraging us to nominate women speakers we'd like to hear speak at TED and has created a Facebook page where you can nominate your favourites by clicking on this button.

I'd like to see/hear Irshad Manji. Why? Because the woman is brilliant, and her insides are on fire with insight, and she has the gumption to take a stand that puts her straight in the cross hairs. Ms. Manji is an erudite and moderate muslim. She challenges her faith to wake up to radical Islam and suggested there is room for reform in her faith.

Ms Manji's speaking in Toronto March 7, and I almost booked a flight from here to there just to hear her and watch her in action. I can't justify the carbon. Please, someone bootleg a video and send it to me?! Irshad maybe your "handlers" can send me one? You know I want to be there!

For those of you who are ADHD, well, I've likely lost you already. If not, watch this video snack of this earthmoving woman talk about what she is up to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Coce2iYMv68&feature=related

As she so rightly says, "Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the recognition that some things are more important than fear."

Top 50 over 50

Yesterday I took advantage of fresh powder here in the Rockies and skied for 3 hours with some friends. One of them is Martha. Martha is a "femme d'un certain age" as they say in French. Like me, she's tall, blonde and over 50. What a remarkable woman! She's been a wildlife biologist, an irridologist, and ran a successful restaurant in Canmore for 3 years. She's published scientific papers, climbed tall peaks, and traveled all over the world. She currently makes her living as a hiking guide, and a yoga and meditation teacher. She gets paid to take folks heli-yoga or heli-snowshoe trips! She's helped vets overcome PTSD while working with Outward Bound. She's a fantastic skier! She blew down a long mogul field covered with 5cm of fresh powder without stopping to catch her breath!

Later this week, Martha's off to guide a mindful meditation trip into the Grand Canyon, and she's been cooking and drying the food to get ready. In March, she's heading to Morocco to be tech support for an extreme race. Later this year, she'll guide a trip to the West Coast Trail. How is that for crafting an original life? Oh, and she's also the mother of 2 teenagers who has managed to parent with a light but effective hand so that her kids don't just respect her, they LIKE her.

Yesterday, I told her that she's like the woman I always wanted to become. She's an adventurer who has crafted a life that perfectly suits her. She's compassionate, overflowing with love, welcoming and kind. She's full of life, humour, gratitude, forgiveness and patience. What a woman! She's living proof that you can be yourself and thrive. I am blessed to know her, and curious to know more about her journey from there to here so that I might share some learning with you, and learn more myself.

300 year plan

In business we plan in 3 month, 12 month and 36 month cycles. Personally I have a few 10 year plan items. Today, my friend Jean and I were talking about the Notre Dame cathedral and remarking that it was part of a 300-year project plan! "What is there these days with a 300 year plan?" we wondered.

Since we couldn't think of a single thing, we wondered, "What's changed?"

It actually took over 200 years to design and build the cathedral, I was off by a mere century. 1160 to 1345 A.D. and still standing almost 7 centuries later. But it meant that if you were the gargoyle carver, you might never see your carvings in situ. You'd carve over 30-40 years only to have your work taken over by an apprentice. I guess in that way, continuity was preserved. Most of what we tend to today has such a short horizon. I wonder if that disconnects us from our impact, awareness and acceptance of our role in the long range?

Canmore, Alberta

I live in the most amazing town! In one week's span I can:

-take a workshop on book binding and creation given by the endlessly creative Dea Fischer. Find her blog here http://thestarbook.wordpress.com/ 

-learn about permaculture and help to design a community garden Visual Meeting Notes on Prezi

-hear live music at any number of venues--including my home. We've got Cosy Sheridan and TR Ritchie coming on Wednesday http://www.cosysheridan.com/listen.htm

-sample excellent wines at the Canmore Wine Merchants

-hike up Cougar Creek through a canyon to a milky blue cascade of ice. Thanks Denny Pratt for photo

-eat hand made truffles at Le Chocolatier or drink coffee flavoured stout at the Grizzly Paw

-skate on the outdoor pond with heated benches

-ski along wooded trails at the Nordic Centre  or even ski to Banff on Goat Creek trail

-eat a fabulous meal at innumerable eateries

-see mountain culture films like Mi Chacra at the Banff Centre

-watch the AJHL Eagles battle the Olds Grizzlys

-walk little white fluffy dogs along a frozen river

-get an energy treatment from Rose Reeder that'll clear out the emotional ghosts that haunt you

-massage out body tightness with Lu Duce at Wilflower--she's remarkable, or extremely knowledgeable Lisa Rummel--yes related to the famous Lizzy Rummel!

-oh, and did I mention dancing freely at the Canmore Hotel to the blues legend Sonny Rhoads?!

-or hanging with friends, doing charades or playing Monopoly

-or just renting a movie and snuggling on the couch

If you are an ice climber, good on you. There's that too. And knitting circles/clubs, avalanche training, wilderness first aid, and comparative religions courses. It's hard to choose.

It's an incredible place my Canmore.

Flying Solo

While dog, cat and house sitting for friends away for a month, I am enjoying listening my way through their CD collection. This morning, I heard these great lyrics from Paul Simon's "You're the One."

"Nature gives us shapeless shapes-- clouds, wings and flame. Human expectation is that love remains the same and when it doesn't, we point our finger in blame, blame, blame."

It seems that I'm at the time of life where so many people I know are choosing to be out of the main relationship they have been in for years. One partner "leaves" the other. The language that we use about "leaving" or "splitting" or "ending" or "failed marriage" doesn't seem to include the feeling of natural transition that Simon speaks of.  Maybe we hurt ourselves by holding on so hard for the sake of permanence.

Not to say that relationship doesn't take vigilance, like the tending of any fire or flood. But maybe thinking of love as clouds or wings is also helpful?